I’ve been shitting water, really not Evian, since my return from Thailand. It all seems a bit portentous now, as we left there just two days before the small town we were staying in was smashed by the tidal wave. I don’t want to talk about that though.

Anyway, back to my arse – I’ve been doing vile squits now for days and it’s either Thailand or the fact my wife bought me some undercrackers with a dragon motif on the front (see below). Are my duds possessed? We were in the COEX shopping mall in Seoul yesterday and I needed to go for an crisis splat. I sat there, wincing, squinting, making the odd groan. I looked down at my dragon emblazoned undies and fell in love with the incongruity. My humour suited to it all made feel a little better. The water now seems to contain the odd bit of flotsam.Anyway, as my mighty brother once said to me: ‘you must have an arse like the Japanese flag.’ I think he’s right. For more of his classic comments click here.
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My sister cooked Christmas dinner for her in-laws for the first time this year. Ever willing-to-please and gorgeously naïve, she invited my brother for dinner after he’d done a Christmas Day shift at the pub he works in. He arrived complaining of a stomach too weak to munch through a dinner - instead he necked six fat glasses of red wine. He regaled his audience of sister, her mother and father-in-law and seventy-year-old grandmother-in-law with Russia:
‘Fucking socialism is a beautiful, demographically unworkable ideal. In the hands of Stalin this was strangled into a despotism of magnitude never seen before. A nation hypnotised by the Communist miracle saviour, whilst the Man of Iron ripped the lives of the Russian…’

His monologue went on. My sister making gravy-exit excuses and the like to try and break his stream. No such luck.

However, an eventual realisation came to him that the festive audience was staggered to a bullied silence. To make his brand of amends he said:
‘I have something of a private secret to announce. I am not her brother. They have hired me. I am contracted by her to induce guests to leave earlier. I have done my best, but you are still here. Can you please leave soon as I have another booking at three o’clock.’

With that he pissed, burped and left without eating. Wish I’d been there and I urge you to read his other quotations.

RuKsaK in his new underwear - definitely maybe.