RuKsaK

Me and my arse have always been together. We’ve argued and fallen out for long periods. My first couple of years in Russia he was particularly miserable, but he settled. He seemed to like Saudi Arabia, and to my surprise took to Sri Lanka, like a duck to water. Now, in Korea, he seems to be approving too. I guess, like us all, he’s mellowing with age.
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He’s been there with me on the hefty choices in life. He’s been good, never a peek from him when I’m teaching, as long he gets his private time and the chance to blow off at home, he’s pretty much happy.
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When my marriage was approaching we had a chat:
‘Look – am I gonna have to be quiet around the home?’
‘No. I mean not always, but for a first few months, let’s be discreet.’
‘That’s not good. You’ll be teaching six hours and then not letting me get a word in edgeways after that too!’
‘It’s just temporary – please?’
‘Nah! I’ve made deals I’ve not been best-chuffed with in the past. You gag me on this, I’ll bring you down brother.’
‘Look. In the start we’ll make it seem like accidents, slips. I’ll apologise, look meek and see how she responds. We’ll get through this Arse, I promise you.’
‘Okay. I agree, but you better make it a nice, ripe daily parp. You can say it’s an accident, but don’t blame me. Tell her it’s because you’re British or something and we’ve got a deal.’
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When raped, men have been known to fire off a huge orgasm. Some kind of bell-end, rough tickle of the prostate and the cock goes super-stiff and hoses cum. Men, who’ve encountered this in prison, leave with quandaries about their sexuality, amongst others.
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This information has finally hit your high-street glossy. My wife read it:
‘Wow. Have you heard this? If I poke my finger up your arse when we’re making love you’ll have a ginormous orgasm.’
‘Really?’ with hammed nonchalance and picking up a book swiftly.
‘Yeah. All I have to do it ram my index finger up there and you’ll go insane.’
‘Sounds cool, erm, maybe. Sorry, what time is it?’
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I’m not in opposition to orgasms. I’d even say I’m an enthusiast. Nor am I a prude or traditionalist. I’m not against the insertion per se, but cutting a deal with the arse is streets beyond my negotiation skills. I’ll get the orgasm of a lifetime, and he’ll have me shitting myself in classrooms, on public transport, at the in-laws. It’s not worth it. Being an adult can be a duff-deal sometimes.
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Actually, fuck it. Does anyone know what size Pampers go up to?

Sunday, November 14, 2004

Finger wedding