I’m standing in the queue of Argos. It’s about the cheapest, crappest store in town, but it sells loads of stuff. Anything you could want - as long as you need it more than you want it. It’s where everyone goes for things like spatulas, screwdrivers, underlay for carpets, kettles, adaptor plugs, etc. I seem to be in there two or three times a week at the moment. I fucking hate it.
They have a catalogue with departments determined by colour on the edge of the pages. I should know by heart now that gardening and DIY is green, toys and games are purple, but I don’t. I can learn and memorise dozens of phone numbers quicker than this, but my brain is refusing. On this one I agree with my brain.
Today I need an extension lead. I find the cheapest one which doesn’t look like it’ll kill my children. I punch in the 7 digit code into the offensively coloured stock check machine – a bright blue and pink thing which looks like it’s used to teach little kids how to spell. It's big jolly buttons are an insult.
Item currently out of stock.
Piss. I’ve lost my page now. I go to the index. Find the page number and find the next one available. I tap in the new code.
Item currently out of stock.
Bloody hell. The shop is starting to look smaller. I look down. I can’t face the next code just yet, so I glance at the people next to me. They catch me looking. I cast a weak, friendly smile – a smile which wouldn’t lift a feather’s edge. No smile back. I feel like an idiot until I make myself feel better by looking at the guy’s cheap shoes.
This encourages me to try one more code. That’s my limit. I’m now up to 20 quid for this thing. I’d started on 8. I punch in the code.
Item available – 1 in stock.
With the dwarf, plastic pen they provide I jot down the number and go to queue. It’s 5 people long. I don’t want to wait. I think about what to write for my blog. Two people in front of me the guy with the bad shoes is waiting, some cheap metal shelves and the front window with advertising banners.
------
Standing in the queue my mind wanders. My stomach starts to warm, my blood starts to gather chunky momentum. Nostrils flare a little with larger intakes of breath.
Behind me there are screeching naked banshees flying with a mass of fire behind them. The horsemen of the apocalypse. Their horses busting out breath like tornadoes. An evil screaming welts out, like a million pieces of broken glass being broken backwards. The whole world just behind swarming in flames, destruction and monstrosity. My breathing builds and my lungs feel like fabulous leather sacks. I feel stronger and mightier than any being on Earth. I am death and I destroy.
------
‘Next.’
‘Next please.’
‘That’s you mate.’ A tap on my shoulder.
‘Oh sorry – I was miles away.’
‘Aye, well it’s still your turn.’
I walk to the cashier. The whole world is made of plastics again and hand over my order.‘Eight-way electrical extension. 20 pounds, is that correct?’
‘That’s the one.’
‘Oh sorry sir. That item is currently out of stock.’
‘It said one available.’
‘Yes, we just sold the last one to that gentlemen over there.’
I want to say ‘you mean the smirking cunt in the cheap shoes?’ I want to order an axe to take to him, to chop the fucking electrical lead off his arm.
I don’t.
'Okay, nevermind. Thank you.’ I squeak quietly and leave. My smile makes me feel like I might cry.
