RuKsaK

Here's one-and-a-half kitchen stories a student once told me (both true):
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A stocky plastic speaker is plugged firm to the wall in most Russian kitchens. It doesn’t listen, it just arrogantly feeds out the same station – sullen national reports and songs.
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One of Stalin’s menacing party tricks (he didn’t do another kind) was to take a glass of water in one hand and instruct answers:
‘Do you see the water?’
‘Of course,’ they'd answer.
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To the hum of the patriotic ballads falling out of the radio Pyotr invited Tovarish Michailovich to take a stool. He tucked his own legs towards his guest, so he could lever open the fridge door and give reach to the waiting vodka:
‘It’s an honour to have you here Tovarish Mikhailovich.’
‘Pour that stuff. Davai,’ with well-marked impatience.
‘Certainly – here you are.’

They talked about their work and the leader for about two bottles.
‘It’s really an honour Tovarish.’
‘Yes, yes. Of course, of course.’

Nodding diligently at the last glass:
‘An honour. An honour Tovarish.’
‘So, this radio is a little quiet, no? The volume on mine is greater.’
‘Ah yes – let me tell you a secret Tovarish.’ Scanning his minuscule kitchen without moving his head.
‘Tell Pyotr. Tell.’
‘The station need not be constant. I levered the back with tools from work – a couple of wires fiddled, and now I can control the frequency. I can now get foreign transmissions. So, that’s why it’s quiet all the time. No noise.’
‘Noise?’
‘I mean the volume Tovarish.’
‘Do you not like our patriotic ‘noise’?’
‘Come, come Tovarish – sometimes enough is enough. I’m not convinced patriotism is not simply the first seed of racism. And, for peace as well, some peace sometimes…’

He sludged down on his stool, his eyelids licked and he knew he was drunk and loud. He'd yelped out some stupid truth in his kitchen.
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With his abiding small audience, Stalin continued:
‘Good. Now look where the line of water is. Look very carefully.’

He’d then dip in his large, plump index finger and slowly draw it out:
‘Do you see water on my finger?’
‘Yes, of course Stalin.’
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Early the next morning Pyotr went from bed, to wash, to getting off the tram near his factory in about ten heaves of energy - a tingling hangover pursing his lips, stiffening his brow.

A tap on the shoulder was his last friendly touch, the last in his town - a touch that woke up the other half of his head. The last – the one he’d never see his family to tell about. Stalin’s trick will explain.
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Stalin:
‘And, do you see a difference in the water level?’
‘No – none can be seen.’
‘Aha! That water, my comrades, is the people.’
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For more startling Stalin quotations click here:

Monday, January 31, 2005

Russian Kitchens – part 3